The Skyrim Experience

I’m done with Skyrim. Having devoted over 128 hours of my life as a dungeon-spelunking Dovahkiin, it's time to call it a day. If I’m honest, I’m a little repulsed by that figure. It’s the same feeling I have after I’ve cum to porn. Shame and self-loathing. Did I really spend all that time pretending to be a dragon-slaying Nord? Yes. Yes I did.

Never before have I felt this dirty after completing a game. And what makes it worse – far far worse – is that I still haven’t achieved the goal I set myself. I’m still one achievement short of a full house. I’ve slain 41 dragons, discovered 257 locations, maxed out 6 skills and mercilessly slaughtered 2181 citizens of Skyrim. And yet there’s still one goal that eludes me. Oblivion Walker. It’s the achievement you unlock after collecting 15 daedric artifacts. Thing is, there are actually 16 artefacts in total. And I’ve bagged every single one of ‘em. But still no cheevo. What’s up?

In a game as vast and buggy as Skyrim, it’s a royal pain in the arse trying to pinpoint why this achievement remains unlocked. And the thought of another playthrough leaves me cold. There’s no way I’m doing it all again only for the game to arbitrarily decide that it’s going to withhold the achievement. Aint gonna happen.

You see, I’m the ultimate Nord badass, clad in deadric armour, a fucking surgeon with a bow and arrow. I stroll into a Forsworn encampment and decimate the entire tribe without a single health potion touching my lips. Trolls fall at my feet with a swipe of my sword. The undead stay dead when I’m in town. Yup, it’s fun being a blood-thirsty bully, but all this power means nothing when buggy coding blocks you from attaining your goals. The freedom of choice that Bethseda has worked so damn hard to achieve is shattered when these invisible barriers bar your progress.

So, there you have it. As brilliant as Skyrim is – yes, it’s still my game of the year – this unsatisfactory conclusion has left a sour taste in my mouth. And an arrow in my knee.