Casual Gamers Are Cunts

I can finally settle the whole tedious hardcore/casual gamer debate. If you’ve ever crushed a SNES cartridge into fine dust and snorted it through a hollowed-out NES Zapper, you’re a hardcore gamer. If you’ve ever fucked a Master System, without using a condom, you’re a hardcore gamer. If you’ve ever wondered if games are art, kill yourself. Nah, just kidding. Have a wank instead, you’ll soon stop caring.

As for ‘casual’ gamers, well, you’re all cunts. Kind of like undecided voters. Either play proper games or fuck off. Mobile games don’t count. Don’t care what you say. Unless you’re holding a dedicated control pad, you’re not playing a proper game. Angry Birds has come under a lot of stick for being too shallow, too easy. And rightly so. I sneezed on my iPad and completed the entire game.

Skyrim. Now that’s a proper video game. A game I played for six days straight, in a moist bog of my own faeces and piss, until my legs turned green. To the exclusion of everything else. I lost my job, my girlfriend and my dignity, but it was worth it. I also had to have a few toes amputated, but it was a small price to pay for the right to call myself a hardcore gamer.